The Kardashian Albatross

"Don't let your children watch television
until they know how to read. Unless all
they'll know how 2 do is cuss fight and
breed. No child is bad from the beginning.
They only imitate their atmosphere."
- Prince, 'Sexuality'



The Thanksgiving holiday was filled with the usual amount of cheer sprinkled with just enough red wine and perfectly baked stuffing that even the most trite of subjects were cannon fodder for the light-hearted soiree. And when we were done tossing those topics around, each of the family members giving their opinion with a slight slur, we found just enough energy to scrape the bottom of the barrel marked Most Trivial of Trivia Especially When Tipsy on Thanksgiving. I emerged with, "Vatican City is the only country in the world with a birthrate of zero!" After a quick pause, back we went into that barrel of hit or miss but this time, emerging was something I'd never had the energy to partake in. The topic of the not so clandestine Kardashian clan.

I don't know which is more trendy: disliking them for the obvious reasons of jealousy and/or overexposure. Or....actually liking them because it's supposedly edgy to go against the grain from time to time. It's like copping to being nerdy. After years of being offended by accusations of being such, you notice that the world's best and most creative people are quite the nerds. Bill Gates and the Facebook founder? Nerds. To the nth degree.

I would simply be remiss if I didn't take a stab at Kris Jenner and her growing brood's mission to single-handedly raise the bar for most money made while being completely and unapologetic in their wallow in the land of the untalented. Or is that unfair? Are they talented? Tyler Perry cast Kim Kardashian (or as we call her, the pretty one) in his next project. So, we shall soon see. And because they are single-minded, like the Borg, if one can, the others can, too.

Kris Jenner could teach a semester of marketing courses at Northwestern University, along with the other celebrity imports invited to self congratulate themselves in front of a class made to listen in lieu of a grade.

Rumor has it Kris will be on one of the plethora of celeb D-List dancing shows designed to help fading/aging stars to shed pounds while being humiliated. It's looking more and more like the marketing world's own Sun Tzu is writing her own Art of War and waging it against all those who watch television and mindlessly leaf through magazines without merit. She's more than Gypsy
Rose Lee, the pushy stage mother who would eat her own in order to live vicariously through the success of her child. She is a strategist as cunning as any Patton or Powell and appears absolutely cut-throat which is a terrifying trait when your mother is your manager.

The Kardashian sisters are set. Finanacially. Even the ugly one. The youngest Jenner girl is modeling, therefore, she is set. The brother , Rob, is merely a face in the crowd, jumping up and down to be noticed. He remains totally unremarkable in every way.

My ultimate question is why does America care so much about this family and very little about the state of the world? The Kardashian high point...its zenith....its paramount was the wedding between Kim and that bland, bamboozled athlete. Nuptials that ended before she could barely say, "I do." And the following faux furor fueling an outcry to end their multitude of reality shows.

People, please.

The Kardashian's have become a very big deal, earning upward of $100 million last year. Doing what? Who knows? Endorsement deals and basically just showing up. Not a bad gig if you can get it, so rethink your hollow disdain. Is this not the American dream?

It is Madame Kris' ultimate endgame. Total marketing domination while wielding exotic features, dark locks and totally flat affects. She just wants viewers/readers/buyers. And she has them. Though what appears to be one of the greatest shows on earth even trumping Ringling Bros., seems to be bulging at the seams with 'the wedding' debacle ending less than blissfully, though, feeling hauntingly rehearsed and forced. Okay....faked! How does one top what has emptied more jars of ink onto headlines than 'Who Shot J.R.?' thirty something years ago?

I racked my brain over that question. Over and over it tumbled as if on a continuous fluff cycle. And this was all while pouring a glass of Bordeaux. And then, I was struck with an epiphany. It was simple, actually. The only way to top the wedding: one of the girls has to go! Simple. It's the most logical step! Exiled to the Isle of Kardashian Over-Exposure which I'm sure is decorated lavishly with zebra prints, half clad Black, male, oversexed/overpaid pro athletes and reeking of vanilla incense. It would even have a majordomo: Bruce Jenner and his taut face (or as he's known by millions: Kris Jenner's bitch).

I remember how this fame began. With the Kim Kardashian sex tape. The very graphic sex tape. And it makes me wonder just how behind things Kris Jenner is, where she draws the line and why any company would want Kim Kardashian hawking their product after seeing every inch of her cervix.

There are days where I silently sit, impressed with the Kardashian takeover and Kris Jenner's steady, yet, iron-fisted guidance.

Then, there are times when I wished Kris Jenner had been raised in Vatican City where, since the wine opened, we all know the birth rate is zero.